Tales from Techsupport

[Danenel]

Wow... Engrish much? Noticed a sql connection issue on my website so I opened a ticket with the host, they got back to me really fast with a solution but their response made me cringe lol

Hi xxxxxx,

We are sorry for the inconvenience. However, we has been load issues with the hosted server that was causing the issue you noticed. This has been cleared as of now and just let us know if you still having any issues.



Thank you.
Regards,

XXXXX XXxxxxxx

[Mileron]

One week ago:
Customer: I want software to prepare Tax Form 123B
Me: Unfortunately, we don't offer that, however I know that our sister companies do, so please call 800-GETMETAX

Today:
Customer: Unfortunately, your sister companies are dumber than rocks, and I still need this software so I can file a bunch of 123B forms
Me: I'm sorry to hear that they were less than helpful. I know my office doesn't provide it. Please let me get your contact info so that I may forward it along.

I email my manager.
He forwards my email to Sister Co. #1
Sister Co. #1 emails me back to ask (I don't remember her words verbatim, but) "how big is this company"
I tell her it's a law firm that processes dozens of other Tax Filings a year using my company's products
Sister Co #1: You mean they're not a bank?
Me: No, that was indicated in the original email
Sister Co #1: Why couldn't you send me a lead that was a bank?
Me: Well, considering our parent company website doesn't indicate either the products that provide form 123B, let alone the companies that do so, and lastly that my manager forwarded the contact information to you, I don't know what to tell you other than "have a nice day"

So it goes through 3 more people (Sister Co 2-4) until I get a call from another lady
Sister Co #5: Hi, I got an email that a customer of yours wants to license my product
Me: That's correct
#5: Well, I want to know how I'm supposed to handle cross generation
Me: Excuse me?
#5: Well, how many returns are they doing?
Me: I don't know
#5: I mean, how many are they doing with your software
Me: Dozens
#5: I don't want to deal with competition in licenses with this, since we're the same company, we don't want to steal them away from you
Me: You won't, but you're the only person who's called me and tried to deal with her, instead of complaining that she's not a bank
#5: She's not?
Me (getting frustrated): No, she's one of several users from a law firm who uses our products daily to work on dozens of returns
#5 (grumbling): How can they give me such a small lead?
Me: A sale is a sale.
#5 (still grumbling): Fine, I'll call her. But first I want assurances from you that I won't get in trouble for poaching a customer.
Me: I'm not their sales rep. I just happen to be the tech support person who answered her call at 8am. Oh, look, it's after 2pm now, and she's been waiting 6 hours for a call back.
#5: I still want assurances.
Me: Call the sales manager.

I email the sales manager in advance.
SM: NO YOU CAN'T TELL HER WE DON'T SELL THE SOFTWARE
Me: We don't...
SM: But we offer the service to perform the return
Me: Without having a service list, how am I supposed to know that? We don't offer the software, so again, how am I supposed to know?
SM: Well you're supposed to send requests for service to (other sales rep)
Me: But she doesn't WANT service. She wants the software.
SM to SR: SR! Call this rep from #5 first, then call the customer!

SR: Customer doesn't want us to perform the service, as it would remove too much of her duties and put her job at risk. She really just wants the software.
SM: (pouts)

Me to SR: So can I get a list of the services?
SR: You don't have it?

It's been a looooonnnng day.

[Mitebe]

Isn't bureaucracy fun!

[Branaman Starbinder]

Isn't bureaucracy fun!

Just read "Before the Law" from Kafka. And that guy never even made it to the 2nd or 3rd gate.

[Alikat Astrae]

Kafka's "man from the country" should have Escalated.

[Mileron]

Cell phones across my office today blew up as almost everyone in the office got a text message simultaneously.

S: Test Message. This is a test please ignore. To confirm, reply with 'YES' and send

So I did what any self-respecting techietype would do - I looked up the sending number, saw it is most likely spam/scam, forwarded it to my provider's spam system and deleted the text.

2 minutes later, the whole office gets an email.

Subj: Test Message
Please click here to acknowledge receipt of this message
The following is a message from the Emergency Notification System.
This system is hosted by a third party provider.

"This is a test, please ignore"

If you have received this message in error, please contact the Business Continuity Group.

Well crap, how was I supposed to know without any prior info that this would NOT be spam, and would be an actual necessary message?

Oh, that's right, I wasn't, because there WAS NO PRIOR INFO.

[Mitebe]

Had you been a need to know individual you would have been informed. We have now marked you as a free thinking individual and thus a security threat.

[Mileron]

Had you been a need to know individual you would have been informed.

actually, I am, being the primary systems contact of the office. I'm the one who would be driving around East Gebyp with the VP of the office trying to rustle up some replacement desktops/servers if our office gets sucked into the Hellmouth.

We have now marked you as a free thinking individual and thus a security threat.

Sadly, out of the 15 or so people who got these messages, I'm the ONLY ONE who thought this was odd to not have previous knowledge.

[FilanFyretracker]

around here Verizon tested something that was supposed be like the emergency broadcast system for text messages... initially I thought it was a spam =x

[Mileron]

First call of the day, 20 minutes for 3 seconds' worth of information to be shared.

Tech: I got an email that your website will be down Friday to Monday
Me: Yes
Tech: I need to download new software
Me: The website is down
Tech: After it's downloaded, I'll need to register it
Me: The website is down
Tech: Oh, and I need you to confirm my licenses
Me: The website is down
Tech: Can you tell me what I have previously registered? as I don't want to spend time trying to register something already registered
Me: The website is down
Tech: Odd, I'm getting an error when I try to use the program to check for its own updates
Me: We took the website offline for updates
Tech: Oh? When can I access it again?
Me: Monday
Tech: Darn. Could you check my registrations for me? I need to make sure I'm helping my user correctly


... no words

[Dawlin]

When I worked at PC support for my college, we put up huge "THE COMPUTER LABS ARE CLOSED"-signs on the glass doors leading into said labs.
These doors were monstrously heavy, steel wire reinforced glass doors.

The doors wouldn't be locked for about 2 hours after closing time, since we'd be doing routine maintenance and cleaning of the rooms.

TIME and TIME again, I'd have to kick people out of the lab with a "The labs are closed, buddy" - and the routine answer would ALWAYS be: "They're closed ?!?"
Reading comprehension is apparently not required to attend college courses. *sigh*

[Zumino Zufeilon]

When I worked at PC support for my college, we put up huge "THE COMPUTER LABS ARE CLOSED"-signs on the glass doors leading into said labs.
These doors were monstrously heavy, steel wire reinforced glass doors.

The doors wouldn't be locked for about 2 hours after closing time, since we'd be doing routine maintenance and cleaning of the rooms.

TIME and TIME again, I'd have to kick people out of the lab with a "The labs are closed, buddy" - and the routine answer would ALWAYS be: "They're closed ?!?"
Reading comprehension is apparently not required to attend college courses. *sigh*

Haha, I transfered into University of Michigan (a BIG, ACADEMIC SCHOOL!) as a Junior in the Astronomy and Physics program for undergrad. It wasn't until I switched major's* that I realized you didn't actually have to have a brain to get into the school.

Took GEOS1000, the class nicknamed "Rocks for Jocks" and people failed it. Not "didn't do well", flat out failed it. Nothing in this class would have been difficult for any kid in 4th grade, and people failed. "Are you smarter then a 5th grader?", these jackasses weren't, soem of them I was surprised they could figure out how to breath consistently. At that moment I reevaluated what it took to get into a major university




*I did a summer internship the next summer, and boooyhowdy did I NOT want to do that crap for the rest of my life!! Thus, the switch to Geology.

[Mileron]

Related to my last post about the "website maintenance" emails...

I couldn't come back to Graffe's at all on Friday due to my office's internet combusting* and dying shortly after lunch time, necessitating my not-being-at-my-desk.

In the 2 minutes of actual working email that I was able to access when the redundant circuit was turned on but then briefly overloaded for a while with all the people trying to reconnect** I get an email from my biggest problem user/coworker (who just so happened to be working from home Friday, and was unaffected by the outage)

Coworker: I'm trying to help a customer update her programs.
Me: The website is down.
Coworker: Yes, but I need to update my programs too. Can't you help me update?
Me: No, the website is down.
Coworker: Then how am I supposed to help the customer?
Me: Tell her the website is down, and to wait until Monday.
Coworker: So I can't help her?

... le sigh

Come to find out that she'd even emailed her manager to find out why she couldn't work - I have no idea if he ever responded to her.

*So shortly after lunch, I start getting a rash of "Outlook is trying to access Exchange" messages, coupled with practically non-existent internet connection, and continuous phone drops. (Since our phones are all now VOIP, if the internet goes down, the phones go down. Terrible setup if you ask me, but then again no one did, natch.)

It drops for ~3 minutes, is up for 5, down for 5, up for 3, etc/rinse/repeat 9 times over a half hour. I'm on the phone with the help(less) desk just as the third starts, using my cell phone.

Me: Hi, I'm Me from Office, here's my ID number
HD: Hi, what seems to be the trouble
Me: I'm the local systems rep, and I need a 30 minute ticket submitted, because all of the internet in my office has died, including phones, and this is a call center and more than 30 people are unable to work.
HD: Have you tried rebooting:
Me: The internet is down for 30 plus people, including my four servers. This is beyond a simple reboot. I need your highest escalation please.
HD: Did you ask everyone to reboot?
Me: How about you put in the escalation, and let me deal with whomever calls me back.

Turns out several of our T1 circuits died/got flaky, and combined with a suddenly dead fan in one of the circuit routers made for a very nice cascade failure of our connection.
**It took more time to get Netops to "approve" turning on our redundant connection - over an hour - than it did to diagnose the problem.

So as soon as the redundant connection comes up, all the people who didn't listen to me (everybody) tell them to shut down all internet programs, email, etc, trying to automatically reconnect knocks the redundant circuit offline for a further 15 minutes before I could get them to go back online in phases

Yeah, it was a fun, fun Friday. Not.

[Mileron]

I SO want to do this to the guy in my office who otherwise pollutes his keyboard with popcorn bits and butter.

http://imgur.com/a/WhTtN/noscript

[Ronaan]

Hell why didn't I come up with that...
Wouldn't have needed extra soil too with the keyboard my stinky old coworker had. Too bad he's gone now.

[Melcar]

That's awesome!

[Voca]

hahahahah That's awesome

[Mileron]

User: My computer has a weird problem
Me: What is it?
User: You've gotta come see this

Spoiler for WithoutWords:

windows.jpg

A reboot fixed it, but still, WTF

[Melcar]

A reboot fixed it, but still, WTF

Wow, I thought I opened alot of windows...

[Eremius]

A reboot fixed it, but still, WTF

I will direct your attention to the 19(!!!!) copies of Outlook open (not counting everything else) and suggest that is the fuck.