Tales from Techsupport

[Schezar]

Maybe we should sue the KKK for magic rights infringement. Clearly their wizard is false advertising!

They had the wardrobe, but no fappy. And they were clearly too fat to quad kite anything.

[Mileron]

Product Manager: We need you to fix an issue with a customer.
Me: OK
PM: It'll require a few remote sessions
Me: OK
PM: Unfortunately we were not able to come to an arrangement with your manager to get you off the phone to do it, so you'll need to do it among your other call volume (in the middle of one of the busiest tax seasons of late)
Me: Um... ok
PM: Here's the license information
Me: Um... they have 152 licenses
PM: All of them are having problems
Me: Wait, you want me to fix 152 computers?
PM: Yes



I don't know whether to use the big wtf dude or the Pakled at this point.

[Schezar]

Product Manager: We need you to fix an issue with a customer.
Me: OK
PM: It'll require a few remote sessions
Me: OK
PM: Unfortunately we were not able to come to an arrangement with your manager to get you off the phone to do it, so you'll need to do it among your other call volume (in the middle of one of the busiest tax seasons of late)
Me: Um... ok
PM: Here's the license information
Me: Um... they have 152 licenses
PM: All of them are having problems
Me: Wait, you want me to fix 152 computers?
PM: Yes



I don't know whether to use the big wtf dude or the Pakled at this point.

Tell them to fuck off or get it approved through your manager properly?

[FilanFyretracker]

Product Manager: We need you to fix an issue with a customer.
Me: OK
PM: It'll require a few remote sessions
Me: OK
PM: Unfortunately we were not able to come to an arrangement with your manager to get you off the phone to do it, so you'll need to do it among your other call volume (in the middle of one of the busiest tax seasons of late)
Me: Um... ok
PM: Here's the license information
Me: Um... they have 152 licenses
PM: All of them are having problems
Me: Wait, you want me to fix 152 computers?
PM: Yes



I don't know whether to use the big wtf dude or the Pakled at this point.

does the PM have authority to require you to do something? If not id forward that to your manager, Let them know another department is attempting to steal call time from his department.

[Mileron]

[b]Manager: you were out 3 days last week/this week, you missed the time sheet submission cut off, you need to fill out a form and submit your timesheet via fax
Me: I don't have a fax machine
Manager: go buy one
Me: You want me to spend a hundred bucks for a fax machine that I'm going to use once, maybe twice a year?
Manager: get an e-fax service
Me: You want me to subscribe to an e-fax service for 15 bucks to even open an account, let alone a 7-10 dollar monthly fee, that I'm going to use once, maybe twice a year? Sure, I can cancel it but still
Manager: Go out on your lunch break and find a mail store to fax
Me: May I take an extended lunch for this?
Manager: No

[Woodja]

[b]Manager: you were out 3 days last week/this week, you missed the time sheet submission cut off, you need to fill out a form and submit your timesheet via fax
Me: I don't have a fax machine
Manager: go buy one
Me: You want me to spend a hundred bucks for a fax machine that I'm going to use once, maybe twice a year?
Manager: get an e-fax service
Me: You want me to subscribe to an e-fax service for 15 bucks to even open an account, let alone a 7-10 dollar monthly fee, that I'm going to use once, maybe twice a year? Sure, I can cancel it but still
Manager: Go out on your lunch break and find a mail store to fax
Me: May I take an extended lunch for this?
Manager: No

This is why we have proxies set up for our time sheet system so folks don't get screwed around by the management.

[Tinthalas Tigris]

I would go while i was getting paid

[FilanFyretracker]

[b]Manager: you were out 3 days last week/this week, you missed the time sheet submission cut off, you need to fill out a form and submit your timesheet via fax
Me: I don't have a fax machine
Manager: go buy one
Me: You want me to spend a hundred bucks for a fax machine that I'm going to use once, maybe twice a year?
Manager: get an e-fax service
Me: You want me to subscribe to an e-fax service for 15 bucks to even open an account, let alone a 7-10 dollar monthly fee, that I'm going to use once, maybe twice a year? Sure, I can cancel it but still
Manager: Go out on your lunch break and find a mail store to fax
Me: May I take an extended lunch for this?
Manager: No

Use the company fax on company time. If they expect an employee to fax for work they should provide the fax machine.

[Mileron]

On March 28th, I got an email stating that my ticket related to my prior VPN-like problems will be closed as "Resolved" in ten days. I wait a few days (because busy as fuck) but start testing on 4/2 and find out it's actually not.

On 4/5, I reopen the ticket.

I log in this morning and find an email stating that the ticket has been permanently closed.

Oh HELL NAW.

So I call the Help Desk.

HD: Help Desk tickets close automatically after 3 days. When they are marked as resolved and are automatically closed, they cannot be reopened.
Me: The email states that they automatically close after 10. However, I triggered the "reopen" and apparently it didn't reopen.
HD: You didn't do it within three days.
Me: The email says 10.
HD: You must do it within three days.
Me: Whatever. In any case, this issue isn't resolved.
HD: I'm seeing here you should have received information
Me: Well I didn't. I read him the last six emails I got from anyone related to the ticket on 3/28. Four were automated "this ticket will be closed, here is the last note added"
HD: What was the last note that was added?
Me: Ticket resolved
HD: Is that all it says?
Me: Yes
HD: Oh well that's a problem there
Me: Outside of the fact that the issue's not actually resolved?
HD: Well the last note that I can see indicates that it was suggested by the vendor to replace the hardware you're having a problem with.
Me: Yeah, I can't see that.
HD: You don't have the correct privileges to read the ticket system
Me: Well that's frustrating
HD: So you should be contacting them to receive the new hardware
Me: Contacting whom?
HD: The people in the ticket
Me: The people listed in the ticket that I don't have the permissions to read?
HD: Yes
Me: Would you be able to email that to me?
HD: ... ... Oh.
HD: Hold on, please - this indicates your issue must be troubleshooted separately to determine whether or not you qualify for the replacement hardware.
Me: You mean I need to undergo another two months of troubleshooting? Are you kidding me? This ticket has been open since January 28th.
HD: Since all of the notes are in this original ticket, they may be able to reduce some of the work necessary
Me: You and I both know that probably won't happen
HD: mutters Probably not
Me: Thank you

[Mileron]

2am:
Vendor Rep: We need you to run these troubleshooting steps

6am:
Vendor Rep: Are these steps done yet?

I start at 8am. I log in around 7:50 and see the emails.
Me: Due to my business hours being 8am eastern to 5pm, I did not see the initial email 6 hours prior to my start time. As this is the case, I will not be able to troubleshoot until after 5pm Eastern.

3pm:
Vendor rep: Are these steps done yet?
Me: I will endeavor to complete the requested steps as my business requirements allow within my allotted time in the next 3 business days.

I wonder how many more emails I'll get.

[Bonlainy]

I wonder how many more emails I'll get.

Most likely, a bunch!

[Mileron]

Most likely, a bunch!

Three, again from 1am to 6am on the 12th. I sent the response with an exact description of the problem and "please see prior ticket for serial number and other troubleshooting done"

The next email, naturally, from 2am Sunday was, "What is the serial number of the device". Three more emails, "we have not received the necessary to do the needful". Also on Monday, before 6am Eastern.



I resent it with a reminder, "prior troubleshooting all present in prior ticket".

-==--==-

Customer: So I'm having this issue. Certain information has disappeared from my return.
Me: Information that critical doesn't just disappear. It had to have been deleted.
Customer: THERE'S NO WAY IT WAS DELETED
Me: Okay, That's fine, we can work on it. Can I remote onto your computer for examination or can you send me a copy of the dataset?
Customer: I really need this today so I can submit it, how long is this going to take?
Me: I don't know what the problem is
Customer: Your program is LOSING DATA, how can you fucking NOT understand that
Me: Because you're the only person reporting the problem since it was released
Customer: FINE. I refuse to do a remote session. How do I send this to you?
Me: walk her through the steps and receive the file I can see here that the dataset was created and is being worked on in an older version of the software. What version are you running?
Customer: reports a version from mid-2016 See!
Me: See... what?
Customer: It's because this version is dated 2016! It has to be a problem with the program!
Me: as I'm continuing to examine her data Actually ma'am, if that were the case, we'd have been having calls about it for the last two years, which has not happened. And thanks to your verifying the version information, that lets me doublecheck something... Ah, yes, here we go. The information was in fact deleted manually.
Customer: Wait, what?
Me: Someone deleted it. Perhaps they didn't like the spelling of the name. Or maybe they didn't like the coding of the data. But speculation aside, it was in fact deleted manually. I can restore it, it'll just take me a few minutes.
Customer: I don't see anything happening...
Me: We're not in the midst of a remote session. All changes I'm making are on my copy of the client data. Please give me a few minutes while I finish this up.
Customer: I still don't see why this was deleted...
Me: As best as I can tell, this exact data that I've restored was re-entered. The original name was misspelled, the data was coded incorrectly, and if the person working on it didn't know they could edit it without affecting everything down the line, they must have deleted the whole thing and started over.
Customer: Why?
Me: You'll have to ask whomever worked on this file back in March 2016
Customer: I'm her replacement
Me: I'm glad we're getting this fixed for you going forward
Customer: Me too!

[Mileron]

Three, again from 1am to 6am on the 12th. I sent the response with an exact description of the problem and "please see prior ticket for serial number and other troubleshooting done"

The next email, naturally, from 2am Sunday was, "What is the serial number of the device". Three more emails, "we have not received the necessary to do the needful". Also on Monday, before 6am Eastern.



I resent it with a reminder, "prior troubleshooting all present in prior ticket".

-==--==-

So this came to a head last week when I found out one of the people in my department would be leaving for greener pastures.

I mentioned the ongoing problem with the remote device to my manager. He escalated it to his manager, who escalated it to a help desk manager, who escalated it to a vendor manager.

Tuesday I start getting calls once every other hour to my direct line - always while I'm on a call, no voicemail - from the same number.
A "knowledge transfer" session is scheduled for me with the guy who is leaving (one session. It's not enough.)
Finally late Thursday I get an email from a new vendor guy stating "having trouble reaching you. Can we set something up for Friday"

Ended up having to call out Friday.

This morning when we spoke, I found out that the issues I'm having are an infrastructure limitation that no one in three months has bothered to tell me about.



New VR: Please describe the issue. I see the ticket, I wanted you to describe it.
Me: When accessing websites, they're very slow. When downloading any file, it downloads at less than 50kb/second
NVR: That connection mode has an infrastructure limitation of 5mb
Me: Wait, what?
NVR: Yes
Me: So you mean that, in my complaining about this speed problem for three months, no one thought to mention that this is a systemic limitation so that I could have been investigating better methods to get the functions that I need to use through this device to work correctly, instead of repeatedly reopening new tickets thinking it was a failure of the hardware?
NVR: No one told you that?
Me: I'd remember something as glaringly important as that.

[Aennyil]

Zoinks Scooby

[Mileron]

Customer: I'm trying to reach (employee) to get some help with (product)
Me: Unfortunately we no longer support (product).
Customer: Well what about (employee)? He was always a grumpy bitch, but helpful. Can I talk to him?
Me: I'm sorry to say no. He passed over ten years ago.
Customer: silence then laugher That's funny kid. Let me talk to (employee)
Me: I'm very sorry, but he passed away in late 2006.
Customer: silence You're fucking with me.
Me: No, I'm sorry I'm not.
Customer: Well why in the fuck didn't anyone tell us?
Me: I believe an email was sent in late 2006 to that effect.
Customer: Well that sucks. What about the software help I need?
Me: We haven't supported that software since the beginning of 2007.
Customer: Well what am I supposed to do now?
Me: Transition processes were in place starting in 2003. I can send you documentation to get you started.
Customer: What good's that going to do for me?
Me: It puts you on the road to using the software that the environment transition would have enabled you to use starting in 2003.
Customer: Why didn't anyone tell me about that?
Me: Information was mailed and emailed throughout 2002 and 2003, and then a further email was sent in early 2007 indicating support for (product) in (environment) was completely ending.
Customer: How am I supposed to remember that?
Me: Other than providing this documentation, is there anything else I can help you with today?
Customer: thought he was mumbling or under his breath, but I heard it clear as day Yeah, resurrect dead shit.

[Mileron]

Me: I'm sorry to say no. He passed over ten years ago.
Customer: silence then laugher That's funny kid. Let me talk to (employee)
Me: I'm very sorry, but he passed away in late 2006.

I found myself unable to sleep last night, and was re-reading some of the old posts in this thread for giggles.

Eerily, I found a post from 2014 with (almost verbatim) the same conversation.

[Mileron]

Customer: I really really need this fixed
Me: We need to do a remote support session
Customer: This can't take more than 7 minutes
(in the background): Come on GURL it's LUNCHTIME

[ChaosL01]

Customer: I really really need this fixed
Me: We need to do a remote support session
Customer: This can't take more than 7 minutes
(in the background): Come on GURL it's LUNCHTIME

I love it when they tell you how long a repair or assistance is going to take.
Yeah some things are easy fixes and can be done in that time or less.
But most of the time it's very dependent on if they actually told you what was wrong in the first place. If they can follow directions or are competent enough to share screens(if possible).
If nothing unexpected happens.....

For sakes people! .. you don't go to car repair places and tell them to fix your car in 5 mins including diagnosing issues!

[Mileron]

I felt like the doctors from Armageddon.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFTx...youtu.be&t=156

Customer: When accessing your program, I get dozens upon dozens of "unable to write" errors as well as "file not found" messages
Me: remote session examination ensues Well it seems your local C drive has been hidden
Customer: Oh, yeah
Me: Did you have any errors when installing the program this morning?
Customer: Probably
Me: I'm surprised you didn't call at that time
Customer: I don't have time to waste with support
Me: It turns out that this problem is due to the way your computer is set up. Having a hidden C drive - local disk or hard drive - is really unusual and we'll need to move the programs. This'll take twenty minutes or so to get them reactivated.
Customer: huffs Fine
Me: As I'm testing the last few things to ensure it's working
Customer: Are you quite finished?
Me: Well ma'am, I'm just ensuring that, due to your unusual environment, everything is working as intended. I've never set up these programs like this - not in fourteen years - and it's new territory for me. So other than having your tech people contact us, which would likely remove your ability to access the computer at all while your tech people worked with us to resolve the problem. So please allow me another five minutes to ensure the standard functions like printing are working as expected.
Customer: huffs Fine
Me: three minutes later as I hear her muffledly complaining to a coworker about the issue and "how long this jackass in support is taking" Well I've completed what I can. You will need to access the programs and utilize them as you normally would on a day-to-day basis. I'll send you a followup email and indicate in today's ticket how we worked around this unusual setup and if your tech people have any questions they can call me.
Customer: Is that it?
Me: Yes, I believe so. Enjoy the rest of your night.

[Bonlainy]

I felt like the doctors from Armageddon.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFTx...youtu.be&t=156

Customer: When accessing your program, I get dozens upon dozens of "unable to write" errors as well as "file not found" messages
Me: remote session examination ensues Well it seems your local C drive has been hidden
Customer: Oh, yeah
Me: Did you have any errors when installing the program this morning?
Customer: Probably
Me: I'm surprised you didn't call at that time
Customer: I don't have time to waste with support
Me: It turns out that this problem is due to the way your computer is set up. Having a hidden C drive - local disk or hard drive - is really unusual and we'll need to move the programs. This'll take twenty minutes or so to get them reactivated.
Customer: huffs Fine
Me: As I'm testing the last few things to ensure it's working
Customer: Are you quite finished?
Me: Well ma'am, I'm just ensuring that, due to your unusual environment, everything is working as intended. I've never set up these programs like this - not in fourteen years - and it's new territory for me. So other than having your tech people contact us, which would likely remove your ability to access the computer at all while your tech people worked with us to resolve the problem. So please allow me another five minutes to ensure the standard functions like printing are working as expected.
Customer: huffs Fine
Me: three minutes later as I hear her muffledly complaining to a coworker about the issue and "how long this jackass in support is taking" Well I've completed what I can. You will need to access the programs and utilize them as you normally would on a day-to-day basis. I'll send you a followup email and indicate in today's ticket how we worked around this unusual setup and if your tech people have any questions they can call me.
Customer: Is that it?
Me: Yes, I believe so. Enjoy the rest of your night.

See, this is why I could never work as customer support of any kind, I probably would have called her a bitch where you put ma'am. What an idiot.