Tales from Techsupport

[Mileron]

Tech: One of our tax returns has no data
Me: When you open the return is there an error?
Tech: No
Me: Could you send me a zipped copy of the dataset folder?
Tech: No, but I can send you the error we get when opening it

At least they did you the favor of contradiction only after one sentence.

You would think.

Follow up call:

Tech: So what you're telling me is that without you seeing a copy of the return, you can't tell me whether or not the data exists
Me: Correct. You say that all of the numeric lines are coming up blank. That's impossible. There should at least be zeroes. You say there are no errors. But there must be, because the only time I personally have seen blank numeric lines in the nearly thirteen years I've been supporting this product has been proceeded by at least two, if not three, error messages. And I've described each of them to you. So this can go one of two ways. You can restore the folder of missing data from your last known good backup, which you yourself have discovered is from late March, or you can ask your user to begin re-entering data.
Tech: It's too hard to find the backup. I'll tell her she needs to start over.

[Merrick ap'Milandra]

Client: {Vendor} told us that in order to send 1,000 e-mails a day, we need a GoDaddy Office365 Outlook Exchange and it's asking us about privacy before we purchase it.

Me: *wince* A what, now?

Client: a GoDaddy Office365 Outlook Exchange.

Me: *twitch* Uhh. You have an on-premises Exchange server. You don't need to buy anything from GoDaddy. We can just set up a relay.

Client: Then why did they tell us we need a GoDaddy Office365 Outlook Exchange?

Me: *Silently praying that they'll stop using those words like that* They just didn't know what your setup is. Don't worry, we'll get this taken care of for you.

I really don't want to know if the vendor used that level of word salad or if the client came up with it, but I just about had an aneurysm.

[Alikat Astrae]

Tech: It's too hard to find the backup. I'll tell her she needs to start over.

Hopefully they're not paying that "tech" very much.

[Mileron]

Hopefully they're not paying that "tech" very much.

The next day I got an email from her.

Tech: I've decided to look for the backup, because apparently they've deleted a bunch of additional needed information related to this program but unrelated to my original query.
Me: If they needed it, why did they delete it?
Tech: Due to mismanagement of their data, they had created multiple copies of some of the information, didn't know which was which, and apparently deleted the wrong folders.

So... yeah. More people pitched a fit. Funny how she folded after a fire was lit under her ass.

[FilanFyretracker]

having to look for a backup also shows bad tech management.

Shouldn't backups be something that is known where they are?

Now admittedly finding which one has the last known good might be a challenge but that could be as simple as asking users when was the last time everything worked normal. I just hope its more of looking through the files of a backup provider and not a milk crate of backup tapes kept over by the air conditioner.

[Dawlin]

having to look for a backup also shows bad tech management.

This. So much this.
You should always know WHERE your backups are.
Rolling them out to be accessible should also be part of a plan.

Sadly, that is not the case in some organizations. But it should always be abundantly clear which backup is the correct one.

[Bonlainy]

having to look for a backup also shows bad tech management.

Shouldn't backups be something that is known where they are?

Now admittedly finding which one has the last known good might be a challenge but that could be as simple as asking users when was the last time everything worked normal. I just hope its more of looking through the files of a backup provider and not a milk crate of backup tapes kept over by the air conditioner.

I'm in charge of backups and restores, and it sure as hell doesn't take much time at all to pull a file from the backup. This tech (maybe the company?) wasn't very good.

[Merrick ap'Milandra]

So once again a company I work for uses both ConnectWise and the Continuum NOC (formerly Zenith, formerly something else because lawsuits)

Connectwise, as a ticketing system, has some faults, but it integrates well with continuum. They're the providers of all sorts of shit.

You pay them a few hundred bucks per server and a few dozen bucks per workstation and they will MONITOR ALERTS FOR YOU and with ticketing system integration (that's connectwise in this case) THEY WILL CREATE TICKETS FOR ALL ALERTS.

Disk space, accounts, sql databases running out of room for log files, FAILING HARDWARE LIKE PSU's AND RAID ARRAYS, Backups failing, continuum pretty much alerts on everything by default, and they even call you for the slightest anything based on how you set up alerts per customer, per window, and per event.

Cue coworker as I was leading a meeting about how we're not utilizing what we're paying for because nobody knows how to do this:

"I always put continuum tickets at the bottom of my priority list. I don't care how urgent they say it is, I can just go on site two weeks later for a failure. The only thing I care about is what the client is yelling about."

So I said to him, in nicer terms:, THE CLIENT WOULDN'T YELL AT YOU OR REQUIRE AN ON-SITE IF WE DID PROACTIVE WORK BY ADDRESSING THE ALERTS AS THEY COME IN.

He said "That's lower priority than dealing with client emegencies"

I said: "if you worked on the proactive side of things there WOULDN'T BE CLIENT EMERGENCIES."

Sudden deflection "well, noone else does that, so why should I?

Response from multiple people above my pay grade and he still held to "well, I'm not doing that. That
's not how it works" while everyone else is doing it that way.

FUCK YOU!

PROACTIVE WORK DECREASES TICKET COUNT AND MAKES PEOPLE HAPPIER.

I want to take everyone who hangs towards reactive work as the only option out to lunch, and then trip them so they fall into traffic.

[FilanFyretracker]

what that tech is saying is like someone at NORAD going "I put the nuclear launch warnings at the bottom, We can just second strike them anyway"

[Schezar]

If your boss is aware that your coworker is creating problems that cost your department time and money and is cool with it, then let it go. Your coworker is now a convenient scapegoat for anything that rolls downhill.

[Mileron]

Since early June, I've been trying to get a permanent telecommuting setup going. All I needed was a box and a phone. Got the box; needed the phone configured.

I submitted tickets. By the end of July, I'd had four tickets.

Each one had been answered. An email would get sent to me. The contents would read, "Please send information for phone to be configured." I'd send the model number, serial number, MAC address of the phone.

The ticket would be marked as resolved.

Phone still wouldn't work.

Last Monday, I opened a fifth ticket. I include my office number, my home number, my cell number, my working hours (8am to 5pm Eastern) my home hours (7 to 10pm Eastern).
It wasn't addressed (as in, acted upon) until after 5pm Eastern - I leave at 5pm - and the next morning I see an email, timestamped 2:54AM.

Ticket: Due to lack of response, this ticket has been closed

Oh fuck no

I call the Help Desk. I tell the guy to reopen the ticket because HEH LOOOO, my working hours are right there in the ticket, and closing the ticket 5 hours before I even get into the office is inexcusable.

I reply to the last request - send us the model number, serial number, and MAC address of the phone. I get through the day and still... nothing.

I get back in the next day and again, the ticket is closed.



I reopen the ticket again.

123 is the working phone.
456 is the phone that needs to duplicate its settings.

I hear nothing until this Monday.

Ticket: Please provide requested information.

Neither the email nor the ticket state what information is requested.

So I re-add all of the same information (lazily copy-pasted from all the previous entries) and submit it.

Today - two full days later - I get an IM from the guy.

Tech: I have a bit of confusion, could you please tell me what needs to be done to your request?

[Melcar]

Help me Help me Help me;

My screen is all blue!

Is that what they call the Blue Screen of Death?

"Huh? OK, well, what's the error code".

There's no error code.

"ah, OK, so the screen is just a solid blue? No writing or anything on it?"

Well, it's not solid, the computer still works, it's just Blue!

"OH! Ok, well, that sounds like a problem with your monitor-- The Blue Screen of death would halt the computer and give an error code. I'll come check it out"

"Your monitor cable is loose....."

[FilanFyretracker]

In tier 1 support that would have to be worded like this

Support "Does the TV on your computer have any wired connected to the box that says Dell on the front"

Yes you have to say TV because monitor confuses users.

[Mileron]

Customer: Alright so now it's asking me for my password
Me: Please type that in and hit Login
Customer: What's my password?
Me: It's your password sir, I'm not supposed to know it
Customer: Well if that's not the fucking stupidest thing I've ever heard.

...
You're telling me?

[Bonlainy]

Customer: Alright so now it's asking me for my password
Me: Please type that in and hit Login
Customer: What's my password?
Me: It's your password sir, I'm not supposed to know it
Customer: Well if that's not the fucking stupidest thing I've ever heard.

...
You're telling me?

Wow, that is one for the ages!

[Mileron]

I'm being crosstrained to support another product. This is being done by throwing me to the wolves.

I have an open ticket where the customer is getting a specific error which is resolved by running a specific Microsoft update.

Me: You need to navigate to X:\Here\There and run What.That to fix that issue
Customer: What.That isn't in There.
Me: Could you please confirm the items present?
Customer: What.This, What.Otherthing, What.The, What.4, and What.5. No What.That.

After letting the customer go with promise of a callback, I send my trainer a message.

Me: The customer tells me that the What.That installer isn't present in \There. Where can I get it?
Trainer: It should be
Me: It isn't. I had her read me the whole contents of the folder.
Trainer: They just need to run What.That from the \There folder.
Me: It's not in that folder. Where can I get it to send it to them?
Trainer: You don't need to send it to them. It's in the \There folder.
Me: The What.That install is not in the \There folder. Where can I get it?
Trainer: Just grab it out of the \There folder created by the the installer I sent to you yesterday.
Me: I don't have a What.That executable in \There either. The only installer present will install something her computer already has.
Trainer: Right, the installer is in the \There folder
Me: The What.That installer is NOT PRESENT in the \There folder. The only installer present, if she runs it, is for something her computer already has. Running this particular installer will not install the software which is required to repair the error that the What.That installer will resolve.
Me: Where can I get a fresh copy of What.That?
Trainer: I'm kind of confused by your question
Me:
Me: I send her a screenshot of my \There folder, which is missing What.That
Trainer: What.That should be in that folder. If you don't have it, I can send it to you. Our clients all should have it.
Me: This client doesn't. Meanwhile, I grabbed something of the same description from Microsoft's website
Trainer: No, you can't send anything from Microsoft's website, that's illegal
Me:

[Tinthalas Tigris]

I'm being crosstrained to support another product. This is being done by throwing me to the wolves.

I have an open ticket where the customer is getting a specific error which is resolved by running a specific Microsoft update.

Me: You need to navigate to X:\Here\There and run What.That to fix that issue
Customer: What.That isn't in There.
Me: Could you please confirm the items present?
Customer: What.This, What.Otherthing, What.The, What.4, and What.5. No What.That.

After letting the customer go with promise of a callback, I send my trainer a message.

Me: The customer tells me that the What.That installer isn't present in \There. Where can I get it?
Trainer: It should be
Me: It isn't. I had her read me the whole contents of the folder.
Trainer: They just need to run What.That from the \There folder.
Me: It's not in that folder. Where can I get it to send it to them?
Trainer: You don't need to send it to them. It's in the \There folder.
Me: The What.That install is not in the \There folder. Where can I get it?
Trainer: Just grab it out of the \There folder created by the the installer I sent to you yesterday.
Me: I don't have a What.That executable in \There either. The only installer present will install something her computer already has.
Trainer: Right, the installer is in the \There folder
Me: The What.That installer is NOT PRESENT in the \There folder. The only installer present, if she runs it, is for something her computer already has. Running this particular installer will not install the software which is required to repair the error that the What.That installer will resolve.
Me: Where can I get a fresh copy of What.That?
Trainer: I'm kind of confused by your question
Me:
Me: I send her a screenshot of my \There folder, which is missing What.That
Trainer: What.That should be in that folder. If you don't have it, I can send it to you. Our clients all should have it.
Me: This client doesn't. Meanwhile, I grabbed something of the same description from Microsoft's website
Trainer: No, you can't send anything from Microsoft's website, that's illegal
Me:

This is the reason that i cannot stand people. People in general.

We, as a society, have become so aware of negligence, laziness, exaggeration and ignorance, that we respond, in kind, with negligence, laziness, exaggeration and ignorance.

The last thing about the illegality is just the icing on the damn cake.

Illegal? Just say no. People have to justify everything. And they justify it with bullshit, which is negligent, lazy, exaggerated and ignorant.

[Merrick ap'Milandra]

"My computer takes way too long to boot up, like...4 minutes."



Boss: Here, work this ticket.
Me: "Seriously? Again? It's a laptop on the domain with a platter drive. Kinda like mine...which takes about 4 or 5 minutes to boot up."
Boss: Just work the ticket.
Me:
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: Fine.

So I remote into the machine. I've already been on this thing twice before for this same complaint. Standard fare, cut out auto-starting items, remove bloatware, etc. This has all been done.

I find the machine and remote into it, the user has gone home for the day and kindly left the thing on.

On a whim, I check group policy, even though we almost never put much of anything except password restrictions, drive mappings, and screen lock in GPO.

Me: rsop.msc
Me: ...
Me: Yellow triangle on Computer Configuration -> Software Settings -> Software Installation?!? Dafuq?

Huh. It's trying to install software from DC01 that we haven't used in a long time and it's failing. Well, that'll sure slow things down, but I'd expect 10-15 minute boot times with that, not 4. No big deal, just find the Group Policy Object and disable it.

Hop onto DC01, open a command prompt and:

C:\Windows\system32>whoami
DOMAIN\tech

Okay, got the exact domain name, now to make sure this is the Primary Domain Controller.

C:\Windows\system32>nltest /dcname: DOMAIN
NetGetDCName failed: Status = 2453 0x995 NERR_DCNotFound




That's not right. That's not right AT ALL.

Okay, let's check the server's role. 5 is primary domain controller, 4 is backup domain controller and...

C:\Windows\system32>wmic computersystem get domainrole
DomainRole
3

WHAT IN THE FIRETRUCK IS THIS CRAPSPACKLE?!?!?!

THREE is an ordinary fucking server with nothing at all special about it.

That's right, someone named an ordinary server DOMAIN CONTROLLER ZERO ONE.



Okay, fine, whatever, start trying servers until I find the PDC, disable the group policy object, and call it good. One ticket down, that ought to speed things up greatly for this user.

Next ticket.

"Log into the CLIENTNAME SBS server then use the RDP shortcut for their PHONESYSTEM and move extension 131 to the walljack currently being used by extension 149. Extension 149 can go into limbo. Login credentials for PHONESYSTEM are username:password"

Piece of cake. Pull up the remote control panel for the client and there's a server conveniently named "SBSPREMIUM".

Remote in, log in...no shortcut.

Hey...wait a minute, this looks like Server 2012. Windows Small Business Server stopped at 2011...

...YEP, sure enough, this is NOT an SBS Server.



Drop back out to the remote control panel and start looking at OS's down the list of servers.

There it is! SBS 2011. Yippie! That server is named...
...
...
...
NT4SERVER.



I hate people.

Pass the booze already.

[Mileron]

C:\Windows\system32>wmic computersystem get domainrole
DomainRole
3

WHAT IN THE FIRETRUCK IS THIS CRAPSPACKLE?!?!?!

THREE is an ordinary fucking server with nothing at all special about it.

That's right, someone named an ordinary server DOMAIN CONTROLLER ZERO ONE.



Okay, fine, whatever, start trying servers until I find the PDC, disable the group policy object, and call it good. One ticket down, that ought to speed things up greatly for this user.

Is it bad I laughed too hard at this one?

Also, while I don't understand the pain from your side of things, I relate - I work with enough tech people that would take one look at that last result of troubleshooting, and think "oh, this shouldn't be named DC01", and FUCKING RENAME THE SERVER without giving a rat, monkey, or elephant ass as to what might break when they do that.

Hey...wait a minute, this looks like Server 2012. Windows Small Business Server stopped at 2011...

...YEP, sure enough, this is NOT an SBS Server.



Drop back out to the remote control panel and start looking at OS's down the list of servers.

There it is! SBS 2011. Yippie! That server is named...
...
...
...
NT4SERVER.

And this is the mirror reverse of the flipside of the coin above. I've also talked to tech people who, in order to NOT break things will try to keep the same server name when replacing one they've decommissioned. This, naturally, does not always work as they intend.

[Mileron]

Two for today, and yes, it's only 8:20AM

1
Customer's tech sent in an email where the user is complaining about latency, but includes 3-4 screenshots of errors saying "these are the proof of my speed problems".
I reply to the email and dissect each screenshot where the user is incorrect and that the screenshots are not in fact "speed problems" but instead "stupid problems". I also do include a fix for the speed issue.
The tech latches onto the speed fix and ignores everything else.

2
Get a ticket escalated from one of my "underlings" (as I am their senior/lead) saying "please call this customer back, their program is still locking up since you helped them with the same problem the last time" - and yet, the last ticket I had with the customer was resetting their login password about two weeks ago. Nowhere in the last 9 months (or more) have I ever worked with the customer about "locking up".
I can't even follow up with the originator of the ticket, because he's not in for 2 hours, and that's after when the customer requested the callback. Not a big problem, but still, look at the prior tickets dammit.