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Thread: The well-done steak of coffee

  1. #1
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    Merrick ap'Milandra's Avatar
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    The well-done steak of coffee

    French Roast.

    They call it that because people are FUCKING IDIOTS and assume that anything "french" must be of higher quality.

    Oh no.

    "French Roast" beans start at 14 in this picture. (12 or 13 for crappy cheap grocery store french roast, because they roast in such gigantic batches that it's impossible to maintain color consistency)

    6a00d8341c0ee253ef0120a7bcb417970b-800wi.jpg

    Notice how the darker those beans get, the more oil they have on the surface just sitting there?

    That's because ALL THE GOOD STUFF IN THE BEAN HAS BEEN COOKED OUT OF IT, INCLUDING MOST OF THE CAFFEINE YOU SCUM-SUCKING, COFFEE-MATE-USING MORONS.

    You're drinking the equivalent of a freezer-burned steak that has been grilled so long you could shove it up Cameron Frye's Ass and in two weeks, you'd have a diamond.

    Oh, and that part about all the good stuff being cooked out of it?

    Yeah, that's why French Roast never uses GOOD QUALITY BEANS.

    It'd be like taking melt-in-your-mouth japanese wagyu and making it indistinguishable from a charcoal briquette, then serving it with ketchup. You wouldn't be able to tell WHAT cut of beef you were eating, the same way you can't tell what kind of beans went into french roast.

    All you taste is the crap-ass sugar from the carmelization portion of the Maillard process.

    Works great for fried onions, but it's worthless as coffee.

    At one point I brought in powdered instant sanka, made a double-strength pot, and told everyone I had brought in some french roast beans and made a single pot with one single serve packet of turbinado sugar for the whole 20 cup pot.

    Everyone thought it was GREAT!

    That's how unrefined your palate is, french roast drinkers!

    STOP SUPPORTING FRENCH ROAST!

    Maybe instead of turning them into french roast, we can feed the unroasted shitty beans to our cows and see if they start producing this stuff straight out of their udders instead.

    Remember, lighter roasts pack more caffeine and retain the flavor of where they came from!

    No wonder every idiot who drinks any of the coffee I make freaks out and gets the jitters.

    Their morning two cups of joe has less caffeine in them, combined, than a single can of mountain dew.

    As my swedish grandmother would say: "That's not coffee, that's colored water".
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  2. #2
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    Merkus's Avatar
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    Re: The well-done steak of coffee

    Yup. I drink a lighter roast for both the flavor and caffeine. If I go to Starbucks, I have their blonde roast.

  3. #3
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    Nerkahia's Avatar
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    Re: The well-done steak of coffee

    Quote Originally Posted by Merrick ap'Milandra View Post

    As my swedish grandmother would say: "That's not coffee, that's colored water".
    My European friends:


    America has two kinds of water.

    The hot water you call coffee.

    The cold water you call beer.
    Nerkahia
    Retired 85 Wizard of Ascentia, The Nameless

    "Maybe if the Republicanoids weren't snorting coke off oil execs dicks, we could have had less dependancy on oil by now!!" - Silverblade-T-E

  4. #4

    Re: The well-done steak of coffee

    I am so sensitive to caffeine, i make decaf, and the only beans they sell in decaf are resulting in a very low amount of flavor.

    I add half a spoon of FR to my pot before i brew just to give it some depth, but i would love to get my hands on another bag of the puerto Rican beans my buddy used to bring me when he had layovers there.

    Those were just delicious flavor and a real calm amount of caffeine.

  5. #5
    99% Bacon Free
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    Re: The well-done steak of coffee

    I've been making cold brew because it has less acid. I really enjoy it.

  6. #6
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    Re: The well-done steak of coffee

    Quote Originally Posted by Merkus View Post
    I've been making cold brew because it has less acid. I really enjoy it.
    I keep hearing good things about cold brew, I'm going to have to try it.

    I do agree about French roast, though, it always tastes burnt to me.
    'This world may be another planet's hell.'{Aldous Huxley}
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  7. #7

    Re: The well-done steak of coffee

    Quote Originally Posted by Bonlainy View Post
    I keep hearing good things about cold brew, I'm going to have to try it.

    I do agree about French roast, though, it always tastes burnt to me.
    Go to the 99 cent store and get a cheese cloth. Then grind your beans extra crunchy (opposite of fine) and set everything in an icy pitcher over night. Next morning pull out the cheese cloth, strain it a little bit,and then add ice, heavy whipping cream, and maybe just a shot of vanilla or coconut. Fucking amazeballs.

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