Page 3 of 6 FirstFirst 123456 LastLast
Results 41 to 60 of 108

Thread: The one liners thread!

  1. #41
    hella Star-Demon :3
    MI Redeux's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    6,053

    Re: The one liners thread!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tinthalas Tigris View Post
    Women always say that it's easier for men to lose weight. Of course it's easier for men to lose weight. We don't sit around on our asses all day, eating candy and junk food while watching soap operas.
    More like men are cardiobunnies less.

    This post on /r/jokes is so bad it is good


  2. #42
    Poof make squid!
    Merrick ap'Milandra's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Posts
    13,571
    Blog Entries
    1

    Re: The one liners thread!

    Quote Originally Posted by MI Redeux View Post

    This post on /r/jokes is so bad it is good

    Holy fucksticks. That's BEAUTIFUL.

    Got a link so I can give it an upvote?
    For copyright purposes, all of my posts are covered under the "Do What The Fuck You Want To Public License"
    http://sam.zoy.org/wtfpl/
    Noone should sue or be sued ambiguously.

  3. #43
    Poof make squid!
    Merrick ap'Milandra's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Posts
    13,571
    Blog Entries
    1

    Re: The one liners thread!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tinthalas Tigris View Post
    Women always say that it's easier for men to lose weight. Of course it's easier for men to lose weight. We don't sit around on our asses all day, eating candy and junk food while watching soap operas.
    LOL. Reminds me of the years in which I was a professional musician.
    We worked 3-7 nights a week, four hours at a crack, plus the time it took to haul gear there, set up, and then afterwards take down and haul back, so it was a good 5 to 8 hour shift depending on the distance to the gig, but mostly at night.

    Our Flute/Whistle/Uilleann Pipe/Harmonium player was married at the time, his wife worked at a bank, and they had a 3-6 year old kid during the time we played together.

    At one point, she accused him of doing NOTHING during the day while she was at work (while he was parenting, despite being up until 3am) and the pre-preschool kid was at home with him and he responded with "Yeah, we didn't cook dinner because we were too busy watching porn and eating bon-bons."

    Said wife then locked him out of the bedroom and proceeded to drink herself silly, which, once the child was actually ATTENDING school, caused her to say such things as "I don't like it when mommy picks me up from school. She wears the really smelly perfume and doesn't walk very well."

    Class act, that lady. :S
    For copyright purposes, all of my posts are covered under the "Do What The Fuck You Want To Public License"
    http://sam.zoy.org/wtfpl/
    Noone should sue or be sued ambiguously.

  4. #44
    Poof make squid!
    Merrick ap'Milandra's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Posts
    13,571
    Blog Entries
    1

    Re: The one liners thread!

    I can't find the image, but I saw something beautiful today.

    Tony Stark and Steve Rogers.

    Panel 1 (Tony Stark): You know, I'm not really sure my dad actually loved me.
    Panel 2 (Steve Rogers): That's funny, he sure seemed fond of me.
    Panel 3: Logo for "Civil War"
    For copyright purposes, all of my posts are covered under the "Do What The Fuck You Want To Public License"
    http://sam.zoy.org/wtfpl/
    Noone should sue or be sued ambiguously.

  5. #45
    hella Star-Demon :3
    MI Redeux's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    6,053

    Re: The one liners thread!

    Quote Originally Posted by Merrick ap'Milandra View Post
    Holy fucksticks. That's BEAUTIFUL.

    Got a link so I can give it an upvote?
    It is here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comme...efore_hoes_or/

  6. #46
    hella Star-Demon :3
    MI Redeux's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    6,053

    Re: The one liners thread!

    My grandfather said you can choose to be right, or you can choose to be happy. I said I choose both. That's why I married a deaf, blind, and mute woman.

  7. #47

    Re: The one liners thread!

    I wonder if door knob hangers @ the hotel where they host the goth conventions say, "Already Disturbed."

  8. #48

    Re: The one liners thread!

    I dreamt i was talking to God at the pearly gates. I ran out of things to say, and I told him a joke about the Holocaust. He didn't laugh. So I told him, "i guess you had to have been there."

  9. #49
    hella Star-Demon :3
    MI Redeux's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    6,053

    Re: The one liners thread!

    Quote Originally Posted by Reddit post

    have you ever realized that if you put your pants on inside out it's like you're making the entire universe wear your pants
    https://www.reddit.com/r/gadgets/com..._lands/d2w54cj

  10. #50
    Poof make squid!
    Merrick ap'Milandra's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Posts
    13,571
    Blog Entries
    1

    Re: The one liners thread!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tinthalas Tigris View Post
    I dreamt i was talking to God at the pearly gates. I ran out of things to say, and I told him a joke about the Holocaust. He didn't laugh. So I told him, "i guess you had to have been there."
    After last week's episode of Supernatural, that's REALLY funny.

    And quite possibly the classiest of all holocaust jokes I've ever heard.
    For copyright purposes, all of my posts are covered under the "Do What The Fuck You Want To Public License"
    http://sam.zoy.org/wtfpl/
    Noone should sue or be sued ambiguously.

  11. #51
    hella Star-Demon :3
    MI Redeux's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    6,053

    Re: The one liners thread!

    "A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to have autism, because they are more likely to be dead."

    Salsa: https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comme..._children_are/

    My former BFF for a decade or so went full retard and decided to not vaccinate his son and also to circumcise him. More humorously he recently claims to be an empiricist. So much fail.

  12. #52
    Humble & proud of it!
    pseudo-intellectual elitist
    Aennyil's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Posts
    4,714

    Re: The one liners thread!

    Quote Originally Posted by MI Redeux View Post
    "A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to have autism, because they are more likely to be dead."

    Salsa: https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comme..._children_are/

    My former BFF for a decade or so went full retard and decided to not vaccinate his son and also to circumcise him. More humorously he recently claims to be an empiricist. So much fail.
    Where I come from we used to say, "It takes all kinds ..."

    While that could mean many things in this case it's 'what an idiot.'

  13. #53
    hella Star-Demon :3
    MI Redeux's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    6,053

    Re: The one liners thread!

    Quote Originally Posted by Aennyil View Post
    Where I come from we used to say, "It takes all kinds ..."

    While that could mean many things in this case it's 'what an idiot.'
    Yeah, he didn't use to be that way. I have not been around him or his wife enough to say who exactly caused that change. It's fine to have beliefs but forcing them on others in an irreversible way isn't.

    If I was betting I would guess his wife who is very nice and smart but also the 1950s housewife who has her husband's ear at all times and is effective at making him think he was the one who came up with the idea. She has a very dominant personality and is quite cunning, him becoming increasingly cocksure and zealous in his beliefs about something is new.

    In the past I would not describe him as a bright bulb but he was an enjoyable person to be around and someone who at least open to the idea that he was wrong about something. Oh well, it sucks for his child though who is being negatively affected for entirely and easily avoidable reasons. They are both very well off so it is not as though means is an issue for them.

  14. #54
    hella Star-Demon :3
    MI Redeux's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    6,053

    Re: The one liners thread!

    Quote Originally Posted by MI Redeux View Post
    Yeah, he didn't use to be that way. I have not been around him or his wife enough to say who exactly caused that change. It's fine to have beliefs but forcing them on others in an irreversible way isn't.

    If I was betting I would guess his wife who is very nice and smart but also the 1950s housewife who has her husband's ear at all times and is effective at making him think he was the one who came up with the idea. She has a very dominant personality and is quite cunning, him becoming increasingly cocksure and zealous in his beliefs about something is new.

    In the past I would not describe him as a bright bulb but he was an enjoyable person to be around and someone who at least open to the idea that he was wrong about something. Oh well, it sucks for his child though who is being negatively affected for entirely and easily avoidable reasons. They are both very well off so it is not as though means is an issue for them.
    He gets very angry if you try and present him with a more reliable source that does not agree with him for instance.

    In the contexts that has happened no one was being hostile about it, just was part of the conversation exchange; so it was not like the room was antagonizing him or saying fuck your thoughts along the way, but that is still how he reacted.

    It's very annoying how many of my formerly close friends have gone way off the deep end including one person claiming his engagement was under attack by demons at which point I stopped talking to him.

  15. #55
    Humble & proud of it!
    pseudo-intellectual elitist
    Aennyil's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Posts
    4,714

    Re: The one liners thread!

    Quote Originally Posted by MI Red
    It's very annoying how many of my formerly close friends have gone way off the deep end including one person claiming his engagement was under attack by demons at which point I stopped talking to him.
    Whoa, yeah that's someone I think I would keep my distance. You have ... uh ... interesting friends. Well ex-friends maybe.

  16. #56
    hella Star-Demon :3
    MI Redeux's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    6,053

    Re: The one liners thread!

    Quote Originally Posted by Aennyil View Post
    Whoa, yeah that's someone I think I would keep my distance. You have ... uh ... interesting friends. Well ex-friends maybe.
    That's a nice way of putting it. I have so many questions for demon guy but don't want to end up being recruited by a cult so, lol. They are married now fwiw. I guess if I ever need a quality exorcist I should call him.

  17. #57
    hella Star-Demon :3
    MI Redeux's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    6,053

    Re: The one liners thread!

    Fucking excellent math joke on Bob's Burgers.

    Quote Originally Posted by Season 3, Episode 14, "Lindapendent Woman"
    Tina: Here's a bunch of numbers, they may look random, but they're my phone number.
    Josh: Cool. They look like they're in a good order.

    The entire episode is great.

  18. #58
    Poof make squid!
    Merrick ap'Milandra's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Posts
    13,571
    Blog Entries
    1

    Re: The one liners thread!

    Quote Originally Posted by MI Redeux View Post
    I guess if I ever need a quality exorcist I should call him.
    Nah, go find a good Rabbi who's read a lot of Eliphas Levi, or, better yet, someone who knows enough Aramaic to do a proper incantation bowl.

    In the former, you're likely to get told you're a dumbass with a great deal of class and sarcasm, and in the latter case, you're probably going to get taken advantage of unless you can actually read what they're writing.

    Lots of the Babylonian bowls were gibberish, but apparently there were some well-crafted specific ones in aramaic.

    I mean, if you're into that sort of "historically 'proven' solution" thing.

    The christian demon-possession fanatics generally know squat all about anything and cannot provide consistent factual information on the subject.

    It's typically mindset and fear to them. I grew up around tons of them and it was used as a method of emotional control, so being the library-bound kidlet I was, I did as much research as I could get my hands on.

    Be "on fire" for the lord or what have you, just don't start calling out people who don't agree with your particular flavor of christianity as "demon-possessed".

    I grew up around kids who thought they or I were going to hell because we attended DIFFERENT CHURCHES. Not even different factions of the same synod, of the same branch of the same hymnal... just different physical buildings that were the same in doctrine in every other way.
    For copyright purposes, all of my posts are covered under the "Do What The Fuck You Want To Public License"
    http://sam.zoy.org/wtfpl/
    Noone should sue or be sued ambiguously.

  19. #59
    hella Star-Demon :3
    MI Redeux's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    6,053

    Re: The one liners thread!

    Quote Originally Posted by Merrick ap'Milandra View Post
    Nah, go find a good Rabbi who's read a lot of Eliphas Levi, or, better yet, someone who knows enough Aramaic to do a proper incantation bowl.

    In the former, you're likely to get told you're a dumbass with a great deal of class and sarcasm, and in the latter case, you're probably going to get taken advantage of unless you can actually read what they're writing.

    Lots of the Babylonian bowls were gibberish, but apparently there were some well-crafted specific ones in aramaic.

    I mean, if you're into that sort of "historically 'proven' solution" thing.

    The christian demon-possession fanatics generally know squat all about anything and cannot provide consistent factual information on the subject.

    It's typically mindset and fear to them. I grew up around tons of them and it was used as a method of emotional control, so being the library-bound kidlet I was, I did as much research as I could get my hands on.

    Be "on fire" for the lord or what have you, just don't start calling out people who don't agree with your particular flavor of christianity as "demon-possessed".

    I grew up around kids who thought they or I were going to hell because we attended DIFFERENT CHURCHES. Not even different factions of the same synod, of the same branch of the same hymnal... just different physical buildings that were the same in doctrine in every other way.
    I'm acutely aware of how beliefs affect how people perceive their available choices and one another.

    It is what makes substantial, fast enough change difficult to enact before reality no longer matters because we can no longer influence the outcomes.

    I reject all of it because of that if for no other reason then shamelessly incorporate whatever practices they have which have some demonstrated merit, which is the way things should be for everyone.

    It removes the artificial division that prevents people from empathizing with one another and transforms those prior distinctions into an inclusive mindset that is focused on what is achievable and what is not. It makes typically unrecognized biases in our thinking explicit along the way.

    There would still be significant amounts of human enacted horror in the world, but there would not exist any caused by artificial reasons due to not perceiving the universe as a collection of differences amongst ourselves.

    It is why more than anything I am extremely hostile towards labeling people and extremely suspicious of people who declare themselves a category, it assumes people are exactly a thing which is very rarely the case and along the way can only result in choices made from incorrect information due to that.

    When people do it to themselves I have never found it to be the case in reality that they actually are that thing or exhibit that behavior exactly as they choose to profess. Often what they really are is contradictory to how they advertise themselves, such as someone believing they are a good person or that doing so helps in any way.

  20. #60

    Re: The one liners thread!

    T rex walks up to the urinal next to a dude, moves his teeny weeny hands around uselessly and says, "hey man, would you please help me with this?"

    Guy sighs, reaches over, unzips the fly and pulls it out, and says, "oh man... This is all green and slimy!"

    Trex: "Why do you think I asked you to help me with it."

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •