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Thread: The one liners thread!

  1. #101

    Re: The one liners thread!

    Maybe the hands behind Fyre Festival should each have been holding a Pepsi


    Sent from my 1+3t

  2. #102

    Re: The one liners thread!

    Possession of ferrets in California is a crime.

    I think they should be legalized for medicinal use.

    I would advocate for their possession for recreational purposes, but I find the idea of playing with my food appalling.

  3. #103

    Re: The one liners thread!

    I'm getting upset about the rage with the paleo diet.

    Real cavemen have tapeworms.

  4. #104

    Re: The one liners thread!

    When I was 3, i asked my mom for a sister.
    She told me that my mom and dad didn't do that anymore.

    When I was 9, i found a copy of Penthouse variations dated May 1985!

    That's bullshit! They didn't stop!
    They did it at least for another year after that conversation!

    And no, i didn't tell my mom that i found her stash! The Internet was not going to be invented for another 5 or 6 years!

    Sent from my 1+3t

  5. #105

    Re: The one liners thread!

    No one ever comes back from war and says "i acquired both my legs."

  6. #106

    Re: The one liners thread!

    I feel like calling Marijuana a gateway drug is a crock of shit.

    It took LSD for me to go traveling through dimensional doorways.

    Sent from my 1+3t

  7. #107

    Re: The one liners thread!

    I'm a botanist now. I should have gone to Plant Parenthood earlier.

  8. #108
    Chair warmer, Sector 7G
    Alikat Astrae's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    44,201

    Re: The one liners thread!

    You scratch my back, and I'll scratch an itchy back off my list.

  9. #109
    El Diablo Blanco
    Logan Lightfoot's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Posts
    1,793

    Re: The one liners thread!

    Got some good one liners in here.

    A short fortune teller who escapes from prison is considered a small medium at large.

  10. #110

    Re: The one liners thread!

    It's always wise to know where the shitter is before you start eating at the buffet.

  11. #111

    Re: The one liners thread!

    If orange is the new black, then why is Donald Trump not in prison?

  12. #112

    Re: The one liners thread!

    I wonder if the inventor of the fleshlight received a whispered message from a ghost like kevin costner in field of dreams.

  13. #113

    Re: The one liners thread!

    I poop a shit ton.

  14. #114

    Re: The one liners thread!

    "hey google. Please send me search results for a Volvo with a rebuilt tranny."
    Google:"i do not want to understand that search request."
    ....

    "hey Google. Please send my Samsung tablet search results for a Volvo with a rebuilt tranny."
    .... *lights*.....

    Google: "i hope this is what you were looking for on your Samsung tablet."
    ..... "oh dear God."

  15. #115

    Re: The one liners thread!

    When people say they'd suck a dick for something, it 's ussually followed by something not very well weighted in rationale.
    "i' d suck a dick for some ice cream right now."
    That's ridiculous. You could just ask for some money at a gas station, and get some ice cream from the same gas station.

    Imagine saying instead, "I'd suck a dick right now just to suck a dick!" that actually makes more sense.

    "i'd suck a dick right now if only it meant I never had to suck another dick for my entire life."
    Does that automatically win you all the "i'd suck a dick" rewards if you pull it off?

    ---

    People always look at babies and say, "awwww. He has my eyes!"

    Or they say, "awww, she has your dad's chin!"

    No one ever says, "she has your mom's vagina!"
    Why is that?

    Whenever my guy friends have a baby girl, I follow them to the changing room and say, "she has your wife's vagina!"

    They're not sure what they're more pissed off about.
    That it isn't their vagina, or they didn't notice first.

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