The one liners thread!

[Tinthalas Tigris]

Maybe the hands behind Fyre Festival should each have been holding a Pepsi


Sent from my 1+3t

[Tinthalas Tigris]

Possession of ferrets in California is a crime.

I think they should be legalized for medicinal use.

I would advocate for their possession for recreational purposes, but I find the idea of playing with my food appalling.

[Tinthalas Tigris]

I'm getting upset about the rage with the paleo diet.

Real cavemen have tapeworms.

[Tinthalas Tigris]

When I was 3, i asked my mom for a sister.
She told me that my mom and dad didn't do that anymore.

When I was 9, i found a copy of Penthouse variations dated May 1985!

That's bullshit! They didn't stop!
They did it at least for another year after that conversation!

And no, i didn't tell my mom that i found her stash! The Internet was not going to be invented for another 5 or 6 years!

Sent from my 1+3t

[Tinthalas Tigris]

No one ever comes back from war and says "i acquired both my legs."

[Tinthalas Tigris]

I feel like calling Marijuana a gateway drug is a crock of shit.

It took LSD for me to go traveling through dimensional doorways.

Sent from my 1+3t

[Tinthalas Tigris]

I'm a botanist now. I should have gone to Plant Parenthood earlier.

[Alikat Astrae]

You scratch my back, and I'll scratch an itchy back off my list.

[Logan Lightfoot]

Got some good one liners in here.

A short fortune teller who escapes from prison is considered a small medium at large.

[Tinthalas Tigris]

It's always wise to know where the shitter is before you start eating at the buffet.

[Tinthalas Tigris]

If orange is the new black, then why is Donald Trump not in prison?

[Tinthalas Tigris]

I wonder if the inventor of the fleshlight received a whispered message from a ghost like kevin costner in field of dreams.

[Tinthalas Tigris]

I poop a shit ton.

[Tinthalas Tigris]

"hey google. Please send me search results for a Volvo with a rebuilt tranny."
Google:"i do not want to understand that search request."
....

"hey Google. Please send my Samsung tablet search results for a Volvo with a rebuilt tranny."
.... *lights*.....

Google: "i hope this is what you were looking for on your Samsung tablet."
..... "oh dear God."

[Tinthalas Tigris]

When people say they'd suck a dick for something, it 's ussually followed by something not very well weighted in rationale.
"i' d suck a dick for some ice cream right now."
That's ridiculous. You could just ask for some money at a gas station, and get some ice cream from the same gas station.

Imagine saying instead, "I'd suck a dick right now just to suck a dick!" that actually makes more sense.

"i'd suck a dick right now if only it meant I never had to suck another dick for my entire life."
Does that automatically win you all the "i'd suck a dick" rewards if you pull it off?

---

People always look at babies and say, "awwww. He has my eyes!"

Or they say, "awww, she has your dad's chin!"

No one ever says, "she has your mom's vagina!"
Why is that?

Whenever my guy friends have a baby girl, I follow them to the changing room and say, "she has your wife's vagina!"

They're not sure what they're more pissed off about.
That it isn't their vagina, or they didn't notice first.