The one liners thread!

[Tinthalas Tigris]

Maybe the hands behind Fyre Festival should each have been holding a Pepsi


Sent from my 1+3t

[Tinthalas Tigris]

Possession of ferrets in California is a crime.

I think they should be legalized for medicinal use.

I would advocate for their possession for recreational purposes, but I find the idea of playing with my food appalling.

[Tinthalas Tigris]

I'm getting upset about the rage with the paleo diet.

Real cavemen have tapeworms.

[Tinthalas Tigris]

When I was 3, i asked my mom for a sister.
She told me that my mom and dad didn't do that anymore.

When I was 9, i found a copy of Penthouse variations dated May 1985!

That's bullshit! They didn't stop!
They did it at least for another year after that conversation!

And no, i didn't tell my mom that i found her stash! The Internet was not going to be invented for another 5 or 6 years!

Sent from my 1+3t

[Tinthalas Tigris]

No one ever comes back from war and says "i acquired both my legs."

[Tinthalas Tigris]

I feel like calling Marijuana a gateway drug is a crock of shit.

It took LSD for me to go traveling through dimensional doorways.

Sent from my 1+3t

[Tinthalas Tigris]

I'm a botanist now. I should have gone to Plant Parenthood earlier.

[Alikat Astrae]

You scratch my back, and I'll scratch an itchy back off my list.

[Logan Lightfoot]

Got some good one liners in here.

A short fortune teller who escapes from prison is considered a small medium at large.

[Tinthalas Tigris]

It's always wise to know where the shitter is before you start eating at the buffet.

[Tinthalas Tigris]

If orange is the new black, then why is Donald Trump not in prison?

[Tinthalas Tigris]

I wonder if the inventor of the fleshlight received a whispered message from a ghost like kevin costner in field of dreams.

[Tinthalas Tigris]

I poop a shit ton.

[Tinthalas Tigris]

"hey google. Please send me search results for a Volvo with a rebuilt tranny."
Google:"i do not want to understand that search request."
....

"hey Google. Please send my Samsung tablet search results for a Volvo with a rebuilt tranny."
.... *lights*.....

Google: "i hope this is what you were looking for on your Samsung tablet."
..... "oh dear God."