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Thread: F@#$ Wizards, Gnomes get what they want because they earned it.

  1. #1
    Forum Channeler

    Join Date
    Jun 2003

    F@#$ Wizards, Gnomes get what they want because they earned it.

    I didn't write this of course (F Gnomes), but thought it was hysterical~

    I'm writing this because I'm sick of people bagging on Gnomes about the holes they dig and how short they are. Saying shit like " Got the last laugh hes a porcelain statue on someone's lawn" the funniest thing is that Gnomes aren't dumb doosh bags they are the most likeable out going imaginary creatures out there.

    Do you want to know something you wizard fuckheads? The reason Gnomes got some much respect and love from the lawn statue-making companies is because they dug for gold to bring money into your shitty magic-ass school. There digging holes got your shitty school money to buy wizard shit for your geek potion labs... so Shut the fuck up..

    You don't know what its like to be a Gnome and be hounded since you were 569 years old about you have to be the best. Parents living through you.. Dungeon masters beating the shit out of you.. making you feel like shit because you can't use magic or wield a decent weapon. Crying your eyes out like little kids would at 346-422 years old. But getting told to "Gnome up" and take the pain.

    I had a friend that was fat. His name was Thorgus Mapletwig. He was the nicest fattest little Gnome. And his dad Thorplegrak the Mighty was the head of our pee wee mining squad. His dad was grueling on us.. I mean hard core. and my friend Fat Thorgus would cry when ever he would do something wrong because he loved his dad and didn't want to let him down. So whenever he would mess up his face would turn red and his beard would quiver and he would cry..

    because he made his dad look bad. His dad was a nice guy though a big burly funny fat guy. Like all Gnomes are. That loved thorgus and would just grab thorgus whenever he would cry and wipe his tears off and give him a hug. Thats how much pressure was on us as kids we had to be number 1 and put up with bullshit we were so scared to fail for our familys and espically our dads or older brothers because.. you just dont want to disappoint anyone.

    See Thorplegrak the Mighty was the good parent.. now the bad parents.. I have a million storys like this..

    My friend Leeftree Bierdenhausen his dad was a grogoholic. During our battles with lesser imps and medium-sized garden slugs his dad would come to the mines drunk and yell shit and start fights and give us beard-wedgies. All leeftree would do is cry on some rock in the corner. He was the refreshment bitch and was so embrassed about his dad. It was sad.. There are about a million stories like this I'm just trying to give you guys a over view of what us Gnomes went through as kids.

    Constant fear and pain that we would let our father, or our coach or team down.. Always on the brink of tears as a child. Thank god my Dad was hella into needlework and scrimshaw and didn't care about mining so I didnt have to deal with the bullshit.

    I have had practice where we practice in the mood and freezing rain for 3 hours, getting hit with falling dirt clods and slipping. Freezing rain and mood is not a good combination for Gnomes. I have had to dig 3 reminders at one time non stop because I was late. {A reminder is when you have to dig two inches and then throw a handful of dirt back in to make it take slightly longer to dig the hole, once its three inches deep thats one reminder} Basically hardcore shit.

    The leader of my fellowship in the Winter of the Snotsicle was a rascit hillbilly elf fuck, he just wanted to kill ogres didnt matter who got fucked up. Who got hurt he wanted to kill ogres to make ogre ball-bag coin purses to sell at the commune. We decided as a fellowship early on fuck him we'll just do it for ourselves killed 200 ogres and gouged holes in their scrota to spite the elf bastard. We worked our asses off for that. Practiceing throwing pebbles at badgers over summer. Sleeping 22 hours of the day all winter. Waddling sprints, taking shit from old men, hauling the shit from old men in a wheelbarrow to the garden. D&D is alot of politics people just as anyother sport.

    We didn't see your wizard ass in the mines. We didnt see you digging with a seperated shoulder to find tasty root vegetables so your fellowship could eat, we didnt see you with the weight of the a bag of rocks on your shoulders, you didnt get the gossip of where ever you go.

    For all you assholes who say were ugly and stumpy I laugh at you. We have a first class at life. We get to keep all the gold nuggets and cool shaped rocks and retainers we find. Then its off to some cushy hole some burrowing animal made for us. Were setup from childhood to succeed and to wear pointy hats encrusted with jewels.

    Now i'm not talking about big dumb Grok who eats pinecones and digs with a washcloth no. I'm talking about the pretty boy miner/warriors all american gnomes named Thackmerrin, or Jujube, Hippledip, Tyson, LaShawn etc.. that got all the buried treasure and the scholarship to a great hole in the ground. We get life handed to us. the ones who you see petrified into lawn ornaments are the fuckups not the real gnomes.

    So whatever don't talk shit. The reason we get the shit we get is because we paid for it with sweat blood and dediacation since we were 281 years old. Going through asshole hillbilly elves, over bearing dungeon masters, pondering community, and a nerdy wizard that wants nothing less than the best.. We worked for it. So if we get the hot dwarf princess with vulcan ears so what it was paid for, we did shit while alot of you ate magical mushrooms{hey I ate magical mushrooms too} but we did shit with our time and gnomed our asses off.

    The hardest thing about us that you will never understand is this.. One time when we were overtaken by a fierce demon and cast into the dark fires in the center of the earth never to return until all remembrance of time was lost from the earth and we were reborn into a strange new world where peace reigned, but all was not as it had been in the old world. Fat Thorgus was crying and ran over to his dad to get a hug,,, his dad turned away from him.. Thorgus had to cry into his moms arms.. it happend all over that day from peoples dads.. we were crying tears and all they cared about was that we passed beyond the mortal realm and never found the toe ring of power.

    Thats the thing about gnomes as soon as you lose.. or fail... or die... you can lose the love from your leader or your dad, fellowship, etc.. were on a pedastal and when we fail its like they forget who we are.. and if we ever represented for them thats the hardest thing.. only another Gnome would understand that.. its hard sometimes..

    I didn't spellcheck.. spells are for wizards, fucker.

  2. #2
    Master Blaster

    Join Date
    Jun 2003

    Re: Fuck Wizards, Gnomes get what they want because they earned it.

    I found a new seasoning for baked gnome..."old bay seasoning"! goes good with shrimp too!
    <img src="" width="295" height="178">
    Dorritusx Stratocaster
    Elder's council

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