ClaudShatterglass

(blog entry added by Nadiar)
Have you ever heard of the theory that when you do something really stupid or embarrassing, the best thing you can do is cry a little, then laugh about it and hope some other people get a good laugh? Well yeah. Ladies, if you're sensitive, I suggest you leave. Gentlemen, pay attention, this could affect you someday!

It's 6am a couple mornings ago, and I had gotten home from work, made my requisite few posts here, and got ready for bed (read: opened up the porn playlist in realplayer). I've always been a guy that just can't do it dry; I've got to have some sort of lubricant. The wheel doesn't turn without oil! Now I've been a big fan of conditioner, but I had used the last of that in the shower that morning, for its intended purpose; so I look around the room and see Ms. Conditioner's lonely sister, Ms. Shampoo. I figure what the fuck, they feel the same, why not. 7-8 minutes later, everything's wrapped up, and I'm off to sleep. All's well.

Until the next morning. I wake up and the outer layer of skin on my dick is dead and peeling; sort of like a snake sheds his skin, my dick was doing the same thing. It had also swelled to the point where I'd need to use the tires from a '57 Chevy as a condom. I hope I do not need to add that it hurt like a motherfucker. I couldn't sit right; if I positioned myself the wrong way, my grotesquely swollen dick would rub the wrong way against my boxers and I'd whimper in agony. Thankfully, the swelling went down during the course of the day. For a while, I was fearful that I'd be wearing a barrel into work.

But something worse started happening. As the skin started peeling off from my dick and the base of my dick, it ITCHED. Bad. It's tough working all night long (I do a rather physical job, keeping me, and hence my dick, moving and rubbing against pants respectively) while you're sitting there trying to scratch your crotch and kill the itch without anyone noticing.

So now, we move on to Dumbass Idea #2. The worst itching was right at the base of my dick- right below the massive forest of pubic hair. Curious, I look and see how long a pubic hair takes to grow on a man, and I find it's about 2-3 weeks. I figure, what the hell, if it stops this fucking AWFUL itching, I'm willing to go hairless for a couple of weeks. So I hop in the shower and shave the little fucker bald. Off to sleep I go again. Maybe that would fix the itch.



WRONG!!!!!

Pubic hairs are relatively thick. Thus, when they start growing back, they produce stubble, as most hair does. The itching from this against my boxers was worse than the itch from my flaking dick could have ever possibly been. Plus, I still had the first itch, and my dick STILL hurt like a bastard. I wept very quietly.

Oh, but I wasn't through being stupid. Hell, if it kept rubbing against my boxers; maybe I just needed to ride bareback, giving my poor and abused pubic area some respit in its bitter storm. It was here that I learned an important function of pubic hair. Pubic hair provides a significant amount of 'lift' when one is adjusting the zipper on his jeans. No lift = low zipper, which means I slammed the fucking thing 3 notches over the already cracked and peeling skin before I had a clue what the fuck I was doing. On top of being cracked and peeling, it was now bleeding. It was painful. And I was crying, partially in pain and partially at my own stupidity. So I wrapped him up in a few bandaids, and figured I'd just try to keep him as still as possible for a few days. So far, that's been working out, but I imagine it will have cataclysmic results for my dick soon enough.

So let this be a warning to you. When you're looking for a little lube and the jar of hand lotion / conditioner / WD40 (someone must have tried that my now) is empty, that shampoo may look sad and lonely- but it's just that way because it's looking to bring pain, suffering, and humiliation into your life. And hopefully I've made a few of you laugh and a few of you cry, I've certainly done my share of those the past few days.